P.O.O.P.-E. Index

Indexes are used to measure just about everything in this world. The investment world is rank with indices measuring everything from the mystery stocks that make up the Dow Jones to more obscure market indices such as the Russell 2000. The Pioneer Press even has an index that measures the severity of our winters - the P.I.P. Index. (P.I.P. stands for Pain In The Posterior).

With two dogs and two cats, I'd like to borrow this index concept for what I fondly refer to as my Doggy Loggy Poop Patrol duties.

The Factors:

Firmness: This factor is relatively simple. Hard and Dry is good. Very Good.
Soft and Wet is Bad. Very Bad.

• Rocklike and nicely grouped: Score 2 points
• Cooked Carrots: Score 0
• Soup: Score -100 (and take the dog to the vet)

Location: This factor depends to a degree on the Firmness Factor. Soup in
the yard is really bad - soup in the neighbor's yard is off the
charts shameful.

• Teed up nicely on a clump of grass - at home: +10
• Teed up nicely on a clump of grass - on walk: +15
• Aforementioned soup in the neighbor's yard: Place dog bag over your head and slink home. Consider moving.
  
• Everywhere else - outside: -20
• Everywhere else - inside: Puppy? -20, Grown Dog? -100 and slap yourself for being a total bozo.
  

Odor: Ever feel as if you're doing the canine version of the priest wafting the incense through the church as you walk the neighborhood with your dog's doo-doo? (Conveniently eliminated just far enough from home that most of the walk must be completed while holding one's breath).

• Can breathe without tears: +20
• Can breathe with tears: 0
• Requires Olympic swimmer caliber breath-holding: -100

There you have it - the FLO factors. But enough already - by now it's clear to most of you I don't have enough to do(doo). Just one more thing. What does the acronym P.O.O.P.-E. stand for? Pickupability Of Obnoxious Posterior Emissions.

I know, it's a really S*%?@! acronym.